Alright, so Xpeng wants to be Tesla. Got it. We're all trying to be Tesla, apparently. And now they're jumping into the robotaxi game, which...okay, fine. But let's be real: Pony.ai, WeRide, Baidu...they've already got cars driving around without people in them. What's Xpeng bringing to the table besides a fancy press release?
"We're Totally Not Behind, Guys!"
Xpeng Co-President Brian Gu admits Tesla's been better at sharing their plans. Ya think? It's called marketing, dude. Maybe instead of patting yourselves on the back for "developing some technology before Tesla," you should, I don't know, tell people about it? It's like inventing the printing press and then keeping it in your basement. What's the point?
And this whole "vision-language-action (VLA)" AI model thing...sounds impressive, I guess. But what does it actually do? Does it stop the car from driving into a lake? Does it prevent robotaxi drivers from getting into fights with passengers? (Oh wait, there are no drivers. Never mind).
They're slinging around numbers like "3,000 TOPS" of computing power. Okay. Great. My phone has a lot of "TOPS" too, I guess. Does that mean it can drive me to the bar? No. It means I can watch cat videos in HD.
The Robot Butler Dream
Then there's the humanoid robot. Because of course there is. Slap three "Turing" AI chips in it, give it a solid-state battery (because why not?), and boom—instant tour guide! Sales assistant! Office building greeter!
He Xiaopeng says they'll sell more robots than cars in the next decade. Seriously? More robots than cars? Is he high? I mean, I get the whole "future is robots" thing, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm still waiting for my self-folding laundry machine, and I'm pretty sure that's a simpler problem to solve than a walking, talking robot that doesn't try to kill me in my sleep.
And customizable body shapes and hairstyles? What is this, a Build-A-Bot workshop? Are we supposed to get emotionally attached to our robot butlers? I can see the headlines now: "Man heartbroken after robot companion malfunctions, spills coffee on his favorite rug."
Alibaba's AutoNavi is partnering on the robotaxi thing. Fine. Everyone's partnering with everyone these days. It's the tech world equivalent of a middle school dance.
The robotaxi includes an external display of speed and other information on the vehicle’s sun visors. Why? Who is this for? Are pedestrians supposed to be impressed by the robotaxi's speedometer? "Wow, look at that robotaxi going 25 mph! So futuristic!"
Xpeng previously said robotaxis wouldn’t be a real business in the near future. So, what changed? Did they suddenly discover a magic algorithm that makes self-driving cars safe and reliable? Or did they just see Tesla launching in Texas and think, "Oh crap, we gotta get in on this"?
I mean, I want to be excited about the future. I want to believe that robotaxis and humanoid robots are going to make my life easier and more awesome. But honestly, it all feels like a giant hype machine designed to distract us from the fact that my phone still autocorrects "duck" to... well, you know.
So, What's the Real Story?
It's all smoke and mirrors. Xpeng's playing catch-up, and they're trying to make it sound like they're leading the pack. Give me a break. Chinese EV maker Xpeng to launch robotaxis, humanoid robots with self-developed AI chips - CNBC