DoorDash's Dizzying Numbers: Are They Delivering Profits, or Just a Load of Hot Air?
Alright, let's get this straight. DoorDash, the darling of the "I'm too lazy to cook" generation, just dropped their Q3 2025 numbers. And what a dizzying mess of figures it is. They're patting themselves on the back for accelerated growth in revenue, Total Orders, and Marketplace GOV. Okay, great. More people are ordering overpriced takeout. But is anyone actually making money here? Besides DoorDash execs, of course.
They're bragging about generating nearly $24 billion in combined sales for merchants and earnings for Dashers. Let's translate that corporate PR speak, shall we? "$24 billion in combined sales" means DoorDash took a fat cut of every single transaction. And those "earnings for Dashers"? Yeah, after gas, wear and tear on their cars, and the ever-present risk of getting stiffed on a tip, those earnings probably barely keep them above the poverty line.
776 million total orders, up 21% year-over-year. $25 billion in Marketplace GOV, up 25%. Revenue up 27% to $3.4 billion. GAAP net income up 51% to $244 million. Adjusted EBITDA up 41% to $754 million. It's all up, up, up! Except, wait a minute...
They're patting themselves on the back for adding "nearly twice as many MAUs in the U.S. as we did in the first nine months of 2024." MAUs, for the uninitiated, are Monthly Active Users. So basically, they're saying they got more suckers hooked on their app. Good for them. But how many of those users are actually profitable? How many are just chasing promo codes and free deliveries, constantly gaming the system?
And offcourse, then there's Deliveroo. They closed the acquisition, and now they're serving "over 50 million MAUs" and generating "over $100 billion in annualized Marketplace GOV." Sounds impressive, right? Until you dig into the fine print. They expect Deliveroo to contribute approximately $45 million to their Adjusted EBITDA in Q4 2025 and approximately $200 million in 2026. But here's the kicker: aligning their accounting treatment and definitions will reduce Deliveroo's contribution to their reported Adjusted EBITDA in 2026 by approximately $32-40 million. So, they're basically admitting that Deliveroo's numbers were inflated to begin with.
I'm starting to feel like I'm drowning in a sea of numbers. Like trying to understand the plot of some Christopher Nolan movie, honestly.
Then they go on about their "investment philosophy," blah blah blah. They're investing in new initiatives, a global technology platform, autonomous delivery robots... It's all very futuristic and exciting. But it also sounds incredibly expensive. And who's paying for all of this? We are, the consumers, through higher fees and inflated prices.
They expect to invest "several hundred million dollars more" in new initiatives and platform development in 2026 than they did in 2025. They "attempt to invest in a way that manages to milestones, allocating the appropriate amount of time and resources at the right stage of development." See, this is the kind of corporate jargon that makes my head hurt. Just tell me if you're making money or not!
Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe I'm just too old and cynical to appreciate the magic of on-demand burrito delivery. But let's be real: this whole thing feels like a house of cards, built on venture capital and the fleeting attention spans of millennials.
The International Gamble
They're also pushing hard into international markets. Which, okay, diversification is good and all. But international expansion is a money pit of regulatory nightmares, logistical headaches, and marketing challenges. Plus, you're competing with entrenched local players who already have a foothold. What makes DoorDash think they can waltz in and dominate the global food delivery scene?
I remember when they acquired Wolt. Another big splash, another "synergy" promise. But did it actually move the needle? Or was it just another way to justify higher executive bonuses? Details on that remain scarce, but the impact is clear: more consolidation, less competition, and ultimately, higher prices for consumers.
And let’s not forget the cookie policy updates. I swear, every website I visit these days is begging me to accept their cookies. I just want to read the news, not sign away my digital soul! What's even the point of these notices anymore? We all just click "accept" without reading them. It's a complete farce.
The Autonomous Delivery Pipe Dream
Oh, and speaking of futuristic fantasies, let's talk about those autonomous delivery robots. Dot, their "customized autonomous delivery robot." Sure, it sounds cool in theory. But have they actually tested this thing in the real world? On crowded city streets, dodging pedestrians, cars, and rogue squirrels? I'm picturing a scene straight out of a dystopian sci-fi movie, with robots running amok and delivering the wrong orders to the wrong addresses.
I’m not even confident that they can keep the website running properly, considering I got a “Are you a robot?” page when trying to research this.
So, What's the Endgame?
DoorDash's numbers are a smoke and mirrors show. They're growing, sure, but at what cost? They're burning cash, diluting their stock, and relying on unsustainable growth strategies. Sooner or later, the music's gonna stop. And when it does, a lot of people are going to be left holding the bag.